Anji Cooper
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Welcome to my blog! 

If I'm being entirely honest with you, I don't actually post too often on this blog, but you know if you want to follow me go for it. When I do post though, I often post recipes or random things like life updates or whatever. It's honestly just a hobby blog, anything that I'm currently into might get posted here. I also have another blog where I review things (movies, TV shows, books, mostly books) @ Anjibooks, so if you're looking for a good book or anything, definitely go check that out. 

Thanks

11/26/2015

26 Comments

 
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So, I'm sure as many of you heard. My mom, Sherri Cooper, died recently. It was a surprise and yet not that surprising at the same time. Meaning, I certainly was not expecting it that day, but I was expecting it in the near future. I guess you never really expect death, though, it just kinda happens. If you follow the blog about my mom's cancer fight/struggle (Thunder.stormbefore.com) , you'd know my dad uses all these fancy metaphors i.e. cards and gravity. I will not being doing that. Why? Because I suck at poetic metaphors. I'd probably end up comparing something to McDonald's French Fries or something. Who knows. 
Mom died at 11:23 PM on 11/23/15. It's quite the coincidence. Of course, it's not something I really appreciate yet, but sometime in the future I probably will. In the hours before her death, Mama was having a hard time. The thought of death had slipped into my mind, but I swiftly pushed it out. There's no way she could die now, I thought.
See, here's the thing with me. I have a vivid imagination. And this was not how I imagined my mom dying. I imaged it happening a lot slower, like I'd know a few days before that it was going to happen. Then again, thinking back on it, that thought was rather foolish. Death doesn't have an appointed date. It comes and goes as it wishes. 
In my mom's last hours, she was surrounded by her family- even the cats were sitting up on the bed with her. Her brown eyes were glazed over, seeing something we couldn't. I'd like to think that it was her mother, taking her somewhere the rest of us can't follow. Not yet, at least. 
Even though she was having trouble in the previous hours, Mom died peacefully with almost a smile on her face, staring out at something we can't yet see. 
I stood by her bed for a while. Just staring at her body. Waiting for her to breathe again. This must been some horrible practical joke. I guess that's what people call the denial stage. I think I still might be in that stage.
At the moment, my mom being dead is just a fact to me, it has yet to be an emotion and really sink in. I'm not sure when it will, but I'm sure one of these days it will sink in and hit rather hard. 
It feels surreal. My mom being gone. Not being able to talk to her and hearing her odd comments on things . This can't be happening, but it is. My mind still hasn't been fully able to wrap around it. 
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I've been trying to get back to my normal life. For me, that's what helps. Some people need time to mourn, but I'd rather keep myself busy to not mourn. Maybe that's kind of bad. Good thing no one is in my family to tell me that. 
This Thanksgiving was rather lonely and small. I just wanted to stay home and with just family (not like the entire family, like just my sister and dad), so that's what we did. This is my first year making a whole Thanksgiving and let me tell you, it's a lot of work. (Y'all probably already knew that.) I feel rather sorrowful for those who host Thanksgiving every year because I was really slaving in the kitchen today and all I made was (from scratch) a turkey, stuffing, potato gratin, yams with marshmallows and green beans. Yeah, not that much and yet it took the whole day to make. 
It was a very unofficial dinner, probably about fifteen minutes max before we started cleaning the kitchen back up (trust me, it was a mess.) It felt rather wrong without Mama sitting at the table with us, but my mind still hasn't had the full emotion sink in. It's like there's a very strong stone wall in my mind, separating my emotions from the fact. One of these days, the wall's going to break and who knows what will happen then. 
Sorry that this blog post is all over the place, I'm just typing out my thoughts. 
On Wednesday we cremated Mama. She was in a cardboard box and we drew on it with markers. Which was a little strange, I didn't know it was really a thing. But I still liked it, It made it feel like there was a little more closure, I guess. Then I flipped the switch on the cremation burner thingy-majig. I half expected to break down crying at that moment, but all I felt was a sad emptiness. 
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I knew my mom would die in the next six months, that was clear when we put her in hospice. What I didn't know was about a week after we put in her hospice, she would die. I don't know why, but I expected her to live past Christmas. Maybe it's because she really wanted to make it to her 60th birthday and I figured since Mama wants to make it there, she will. Because what my mom wants, she gets. Guess not. I've just been really busy this month and regret not spending more time with her. 
It's sort of funny, actually. And by funny I don't mean HAHA funny. I mean ironic. Hospice brought in one of those hospital beds to our den and as soon as I saw it, I called it a 'Dead Bed' because well, it's one of those hospital beds that people have a tendency to die in. What's ironic about that? the first day mom sleeps in it, she dies. 
It was weird, she was sleeping peacefully that afternoon and then in the evening she had a lot of trouble. It was a rather large change. 
Then the day after, the news spread slowly at first, but by afternoon my phone pretty much blew up with loving and supporting messages from friends and family and everyone else. It was really sweet and appreciated but a little overwhelming. So if you were one of those people who I replied "Thanks" or "Thank you" to, don't be hurt by that. I was just overwhelmed and didn't know how to reply to everyone's loving messages but be assured, they were very appreciated. 
I heard from a friend that she was hurt that I send her only "Thanks" while I sent another friend a heart. I was just trying to change things up in my replies, it was nothing personal against anyone. I really appreciated each and every one of the messages I received. 
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Thank you to everyone who sent me messages and has come over to support me. All the support and love being sent my way has seriously been appreciated. 
Special thanks to all my friends who have taken time out of their days to come spend time with me. It really makes me feel better and less alone to have you guys over here with me. 
Thanks to Naomi Roth for coming over and helping me shop for Thanksgiving and bringing over stuff today when I realized somewhere along the way we dropped a bag. 
Thank you to my Aunt Sue for coming down immediately and helping my family out in this crazy time. 
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And finally, thank you to my mom for being such an awe inspiring role model. I really appreciated all the time I had with you, getting to know you, and all the time you spent fighting the inevitable to spend extra time with me and Zia. I'll always love you, mom and I'm really going to miss you
26 Comments
Brittany
11/27/2015 06:15:47 am

Well written! I love that you took the time to blog about this. Not being in town makes me feel like I can't help you. Just know I'm always here. I imagine you'll be blogging a about your mom for the rest of your life. I'll be reading!

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Alanna
11/27/2015 06:33:53 am

Thanks for sharing this. My mom died of cancer when I was 12. I felt much the same way you describe feeling here. It was also interesting to read the time and date of your mom's passing because my mom died at 11:13 on 11/13/94. It seemed and was so unlikely to have the numbers line up so perfectly. It is a lifetime journey processing the absence of someone as vital as a mother. All I can say is that you will walk through it as I have and it will bless you in unexpected ways. Love and healing, Alanna

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Melissa Cooper
11/27/2015 06:58:30 am

Dear Anji,
You are such a beautiful girl, writer, chef and so much more. There is no correct or incorrect way to grieve or mourn. You do what your heart tells you to do (as long as it doesn't get you in trouble 😀) Much love 💛💙❤️💜, Aunt Missy

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Sarah Solis
11/27/2015 07:06:43 am

Dear Anji,

So sad to hear about your mom's passing. Thinking of you so. I know whenever I've lost someone I like to imagine that they might suddenly walk in the door or room like nothing ever happened. Wish we could sit and just play cards. Thinking of you while you have to suddenly find a new normal for your family. Keep writing & writing.

With Love,
Sarah Solis

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John Moses
11/27/2015 08:00:26 am

Dear Anji,
Thank you for sharing your beautiful, intelligent and insightful prose which honors your mother. Your mom would be so proud of you.
Take care,
John (father of Elise)

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Eva Lexie
11/27/2015 08:22:46 am

Anji, it felt like a privilege to be able to read your thoughts about this. I've been thinking about your family so much. You write so beautifully, descriptively and honestly. Keep writing, even if it is sometimes only for yourself; I'm sure it will be a really helpful way for you to process the experiences and feelings you'll be going through.

What a blessing you were to your family by making that Thanksgiving meal!

Thanks for sharing your writing this way. Sending affectionate wishes for healing and peace to you and your family.

Your Dad's Aunt Eva

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Gwen Rhodes
11/27/2015 08:39:48 am

I am Brittany Barnett's mom. what a beautiful tribute to your mother. You wrote your heartfelt feelings down here and shared them. There is no RIGHT way to grieve. It is a process and everyone goes through it differently. The loss of anyone you love in your life is difficult but to loose a mother is huge. She has guided you to this place in your life, surrounded you with love and inspiration, and security in ways that will open to you throughout your life. Her presence will be felt in so many surprising and not so surprising ways and in times when you least expect it her love will always be there for you. Thank you for sharing. And no matter what or how you replied to all the comments...that is their reaction...no worries...a thank you or a heart...are both the same because they came from your overflowing heart. <3

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Erica Goldblatt Hyatt
11/27/2015 08:56:01 am

Here for you. Any day/time. Edgoldblatt@gmail.com. Abiding with you.

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Erik Buss
11/27/2015 09:37:49 am

Beautiful, Anji. Thanks for sharing. Sending love.

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Janet Davis Karman
11/27/2015 09:46:31 am

Anji,
You and I never met, but after reading your blogpost, I wanted to get in touch. It feels important to me to let you know how much I loved (and love) your mother. She and I were part of the same friend group in high school in Amherst. Your mom was stunningly beautiful, and she had an inner quiet strength and calm (and maturity) I was always in awe and a little jealous of. There was something about her -- her smile, her way of speaking, that commanded attention without any showiness. We lost touch after high school, but about 6 years ago, when she came to Boston, she and I spent a glorious afternoon together in downtown Boston. We went to the Public Garden, saw the swan boats, visited beautiful Trinity Church (a landmark in Boston), and had lunch together. We talked and laughed to remember old times but mostly talked about our lives, our children (which really were our lives), our teaching (I'm a teacher too, in a high school). Her face lit up when she talked about you and Zia -- you two, and your dad, were everything to her. She was still beautiful (even when we laughed hilariously about her "special tooth"), and I realized after all these years that she was someone I should have stayed in touch with, was someone I was so happy to know. I will try to send you pictures that we took that day. -- you may have seen them on Facebook. We exchanged a number of messages through FB, and I think some emails, after that day. As others have said, there is no "right way" to grieve, you are completely appropriate with all you are feeling and writing. As a writing teacher myself, I know that writing is a great way to let go of stress, to calm yourself. Your mom is in you now. And the love she had for you I hope will comfort you. I hope I meet you and your sister some day. Much, much love. oxox

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Pamela Rose
11/27/2015 10:10:32 am

Thank you for sharing this, Anji. My heart is with you all. ❤️ I love that you cooked the whole Thanksgiving meal. It is a lot of work. Well done! It is a loving and nurturing thing to feed your family.

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Brenda Buss
11/27/2015 10:42:59 am

Anji, this is a beautiful tribute. Your mom sure loved and still loves you. I have never seen anyone fight cancer as long and as hard as she did. She wanted to be with you every minute she possibly could. Such a beautiful thing to see unconditional love in action. Please let me know if I can do anything to help. xx

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Jay Barry
11/27/2015 11:04:26 am

Dear Anji - thank you for writing your impressions out so thoughtfully. You have wonderful inner resources of reflection and courage. Your Mom would no doubt be proud of you.

Give my best to your Dad, who I do not know. And give Zia a big hug for me. You are both wonderful girls and will become amazing adults. Sending you love and support - Mr Barry

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Chris DeMaria
11/27/2015 11:42:18 am

Anji, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings through this difficult time. Keep doing what feels right for you and your family. Sorry to hear how Thanksgiving dinner was hard to make but I love that you all decided to spend it with just yourselves and doing what is best for you. Sending all my love to you and your family. Your mom's love shines within you and your sister.

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Melinda Friesen
11/27/2015 11:43:34 am

Anji thank you so much for sharing this with so mAny people who loved your mom. You are a wonderful writer, a blessing for you to be able to convey feelings so well. Thank you.

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Jodi
11/27/2015 01:45:52 pm

Dear Anji,
Last week, I knew your mom would be leaving this life sometime soon, but not as soon as she did. I realized soon enough that my last visit with her had already happened and didn't know quite know what to do next. Your words here help me get my mind and heart around the loss of your dear mom, my friend. Thank you for posting, for letting us in, to witness your journey so far. What a gift! I also want you to know how much I love you and your family. I may not write right away, or walk over to visit right away, but I am here, and I will see you soon. ♡

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Tom Rose
11/27/2015 02:47:15 pm

Such beautiful and touching words, Anji. Annette and I send you, your sister and your father our love. Let me know if you need anything.

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Elise Moses
11/27/2015 03:44:38 pm

Anji this beautiful share of thoughts brought me to tears! I will always remember your mom as such a sweet and loving women.

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Megan Allen
11/28/2015 05:41:16 pm

Anji you are so wise, and a have a beautiful way with words. I hope that you and Zia remember that your community is her for you now and always. Sending love xoxox

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Aunt Sue
11/28/2015 05:44:08 pm

Hi Anji. This is not meant to be a mushy comment but I can't help myself. I am so proud of you for sharing your thoughts and reflections and I am confident that that emotional stone wall you think will crash someday will not - it will be a gentle life-long hug from your mom. She is in you now and will always be there. I miss her too, forever. Thank YOU, your words have helped me more than you can imagine. xoxo

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Michelle Dussault
11/29/2015 08:38:52 am

This is a beautiful sentiment: "a gentle life-long hug from your mom."
<3
Michelle

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Michelle Dussault
11/29/2015 08:36:59 am

Hi, Thank you for posting this. It is lovely to see all the pictures of your mom. I did not know her, but through your words and photos she is present. I am a friend of your Aunt Sue. Just want you to know I am out here routing for you. <3 Michelle

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Bill Boyers
11/29/2015 10:33:57 am

Anjy, your mom, Aunt Sue, and I were best friends in high school and college. Your blog is so precious! Bless your heart! We played ping pong in the basement and swam...She awed me, simple as that. I will go into Hospice soon, myself. Your time together with dad and sister is what matters! Kisses and hugs dear!

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Ralph Rumer
11/30/2015 07:02:44 pm

Dear Anji,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your mother's death. It was a blessing for me to read them. You were brave to share. I can tell you, Anji, that looking back over these past 2 or 3 years I realize that I have been grieving the whole time. I am sorry that you have lost a mother who loved your dearly. You and Zia were the most precious things in her life and that is why she fought so hard. To be loved like that is a wonderful thing.
PePop

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Aunt Sandy
12/1/2015 04:43:07 am

Hi Anji,
Your writing is so beautiful. Just like you. I'm sure your mother is smiling. You've made me smile. Remember that you will always have that "gentle life long hug from her". Love you

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Jenn Beiswenger
12/5/2015 09:21:08 pm

<3 I'm so sorry for your loss, Anji. :( I knew your mom & dad when I worked in the office at Bryn Athyn College, and I remember when Zia, and then you, joined your family. You're still a cute little kid, in my mind's eye ;) and your mom is still young and healthy. I'm glad she'll be young & healthy again, now.... I'm just sorry she doesn't get to be here with you. Death sucks (for those of us left behind). :\ I'm sorry. <3

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    I'm very passionate about reading, writing, baking, cooking, crafting and art. I also enjoy photography, being with friends, procrastinating, and doing pointless things on internet.  

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